Life is still getting ahead of me, and I’m dealing with that. At some point I’ll catch up. For now it’s staying focused on what counts. When I was raising our children, I never lost sight of the ball nor did he. No two children had more dedicated parents, perhaps as dedicated but not more dedicated.
A week ago today I moved home as quietly as I left. I’m still not unpacked. My office is a mess, but the laundry is done. smile One has to take the little victories as they come. I’m still scattered on so many levels, it’s hard to look beyond my prime focus. Our marriage and my new career. The house won’t miss me for a bit longer. The garden? Well, that’s a never-ending time suck. When it blooms I remember why I pour so much energy into it. It’s not blooming at the moment.
We have counseling tomorrow. Money is the topic. This should prove interesting. In the last year I was willing to and did walk away from all of it. None of it meant anything without my husband. He’s the focus or should I say ‘us’. Our children are raised, now it’s time to create the life we want for us and the means to properly fund it. Us, what a wonderful concept; warm and fuzzy, as it should be.
What I want is for the sensitivity to dissipate. The world is still so threatening in my current state. New beginnings are normally unsteady places. I’ve been through one or two of them. This will pass, I don’t have to like feeling emotionally naked in the meantime. I’m exposing myself at home, in the firm hope our marriage is on a new, better path.
On the work front, I’m working in a completely new field at a new place with dynamics I haven’t riddled out just yet. People, in general, perplex me. I’m not going to spend a lot of energy beyond what I need to know to move through the space in an efficient manner.
Things I’ve observed along the journey of work places. There is always a double agent. I’ve discovered her, and we’re as good as we’re going to get. Busy bees, there are many of these. You know the ones who are sure no one works as hard as they do. Therefore no one else is as competent making everyone subject to contempt as seen necessary. More importantly, I found the rock. Rally around the rock and your world is less likely to tip. I got a jolt this week and I have little doubt, the rock, is a big reason why there were no after shocks.
Wish I could find a rock in my personal life. It would seem my rocks have aged and now need support themselves. My only hope is to lean on my husband. This is a leap of faith so huge, words fail me completely. The risk I took walking out is nothing compared to learning to depend on him again, and that is what I’m doing. Slowly, cautiously, creeping forward, it looks good folks, real good. Better than I had any right to hope for, and that’s hell-a-scary. It still beats the pants off of hopeless, so I’ll take it.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged affairs, angry, betrayal, broken, emotions, exasperated, excuses we use, hope, hurt, insecure spouse, lost, memories, Men are stupid, persistence of love, pissed., recovery of the heart, relationships, separation, surrender | Leave a Comment »
This has been the longest three weeks I’ve had in a good long while. Why? Well, not only did I move, I started a new shift at work, 10pm to 6am. Getting used to going to work on one day and getting off on another wrapped my head in knots to say the least, add to it the personal stuff and yeah.
My head is starting to clear which is so nice, you have no idea. This is what I was hoping for when I left. Sometimes one has to step out of a situation to realign the inner compass. Mine seems to have stopped spinning. A small wobble beats the hell out of the 180 and 360 swings I was in. No wonder I felt nutz. I was nutz? Okay, I was. I admit it. Still am, just not so much at present.
The last couple of nights at work I’ve been able to keep things straight in my head and not make three steps instead of one. I’m feeling more myself and less like a muddle brained idiot. I rather like having a clear head. All of this chaos and drama had me wondering if I was ever going to feel normal. Normal is relative, I know. Boring? Perhaps, but I like an even keel.
I watch the chaos driven people around me and wonder what the draw is? Calm is so much better. So, much better. I’m all about a long bubble bath and spending hours in my flower garden just futzing around. I’ll leave the speed showers and 100 miles an hour to those better suited. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not about just getting through life. I like being in it, surrounded by the moment. Getting close again is a joy and wonder, silly smile.
My husband and I made arrangements for a trip to our hometown, I thought I’d be doing alone. It was very reassuring to discuss things with him instead of arguing or feeling affronted. Our last counseling session was emotionally charged. Instead of trying to explain myself off the top of my head, which I don’t seem to be very good at. I wrote him a letter and read it.
I was so upset we didn’t talk for three days. He was smart to leave me be. Our interaction since has been reminiscent of when we were first married. Something has changed, I can’t put my finger on it, but we’re different. Fixed? Em, no. Better? Much. To the point that I broached the subject of coming home. We’re both leery of moving too fast, or making knee jerk reactions. I was surprised we were on the same page. It’s been a very long time.
It appears as if there is breath left in this marriage, and dare I say hope.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged affairs, broken, divorce, emotions, excuses we use, hope, Is it time to leave?, letting go, marriage counseling, memories, persistence of love, relationships, separation | 2 Comments »