The other night we went out to a friend’s house. I forgot myself and started some playful banter with my husband. While playing may sound harmless, it’s not when I remember it will come to nothing. I felt like an idiot, doing the same thing and expecting different results. Letting go of the dream is extremely difficult, even after years of problems and slights.
I went to talk to him. And when the tears stopped enough for me to form a coherent sentence I told him we couldn’t do things as a couple. It’s too painful for me to see a glimpse of what could be and be smacked in the face with what is.
An emotionally charged discussion ensued and he dropped a bomb. These are not the words he used, they are what I concluded they are to me. He’s been having a ‘virtual affair’ with anonymous images. Yeah. Okay so lots of things make sense now. The only thing which could make it worse if it had broached real life in any manner, as in one on one contact via email, web cam, so on and so forth. (which still may be the case)
I told him we were at day one. We’d just met. No physical contact beyond what acquaintances would demonstrate. I took my dazed, shell shocked self to bed. It was at the forefront of my thoughts the instant I woke up in the morning.
As one can imagine it was shattering. All this time I’ve been trying to get his attention to find out I wasn’t in his line of sight. He would like to dismiss it as a ‘guy’ thing. Blank stare. Looking is a ‘Guy’ thing. Beyond that it is more–much more. I’m not a prude. Far from it, so to be told it’s a ‘guy’ thing put me in a homicidal mood. The thought of living in a small space for years doesn’t appeal to me, so I called a friend.
Then I went to see a close friend. I was crying so hard she thought something had happened to one of the kids. Crying that hard with kitties in the house isn’t a good plan. I sucked cat, dog or both hair into my nose which resulted in a day long sneeze, running nose attack. Blech
Unable to be in the same house, I went shopping. No, shopping therapy wasn’t the plan or thought. Browsing stores helps me to focus, relax and see things more clearly. Alias, all it did was make it worse. Everything reminded me of him. It’s a rude shock to come face to face with just how much I depend on him, how thoroughly homogenized my life is with his.
Then I was devastated and angry. I wanted to leave. Vegas for New Years. I wanted him to leave. I wanted to and did curl into a ball and sob. I wanted to know ‘why’? How could he do this? It is a betrayal of every vow we took when we got married. But it’s a ‘guy’ thing? Em, I don’t think so. When push came to shove I needed him to hold me while I cried it out.
Sounds rather counter intuitive doesn’t it? The bastard clearly isn’t worth my notice at this point. Tell that to my heart–the one I gave him unreservedly all those years ago.
Deflated and still crying I went home. He was sleeping and I woke him up. I curled into the fetal position and he held me. When the tears stemmed I moved away from him. We were friends for a couple of years before we became involved and I cried on his shoulder more than once as did he on mine. To let it go farther would have been extremely unwise.
Cried out, I went to my own bed and slept like a rock. If nothing else came of it, I can be in the same house with him.
He’s trying to get close, and that just isn’t going to happen for a good long while. There’s just too much to consider, too much to correct for there to be any form of ‘us’ beyond living in the same house.