When I’m busy it’s easier. I don’t have to think about what’s going on, just what I’m doing.
‘Stay present’ is my new focal point. The weather being what it has, being present while driving is a good thing for everyone.
This week I’ve stayed present while having my hair cut and nails done. I gave myself a pedicure and colored my hair.
Sales are at the peak of the year, so I spent several days scouring the greater metro area looking for pieces to fill in my wardrobe. Great deals were found. Trust me when I say, I don’t need clothes for a while. Shorts for summer should about do it, and it’s not time to get those yet.
I’ve been meaning to change the window coverings in the dining and living rooms. New vertical blinds now grace those windows. Painting comes next. There is prep to be done, and that will have to wait.
The house is picked up, my laundry is done. All of the packaging from the blinds are in the dumpster. Hyper? Me?
Okay, so just a bit. The thing is when I’m quiet I start to think. Thinking isn’t such a good idea. It’s upsetting. I’m tired of being upset.
Until a person has experienced the level of betrayal I’ve encountered, it’s impossible to imagine or to explain the amount of pain it causes. The foundation of my life has been sharply rocked. Everything I thought was wrong. Never having been here I’m scrambling to figure out how to move through it.
Suffering isn’t something I do well. I’ve ‘lived’ through a good deal. This has knocked the wind completely out of my sails, and not for the reasons one might think.
What I know, in my head and my heart.
I’m a good looking middle-aged woman. My weight and style are good. I’m well spoken and read. He’s lucky to have a woman who takes such good care of herself.
His actions are in no way a reflection on me. He did what he did. His choice. I had nothing to do with it.
What I’m stuck on.
This person who promised to take care of me, didn’t. Not only did they fail at the task, they abandon their post without so much as a fare thee well.
I can’t wrap my head around it. The corners are sharp and keep poking through. How can I trust again? It’s the most difficult situation I’ve faced.
In the mean while the house looks good and so do I. I’ll take what I can get.