In the privacy of my head, I’ve known our marriage was a train wreck waiting to happen. Known and denied, for years. See if it’s private, unspoken, it’s not real. I mean what if I say something and then it gets better? I’d look foolish for being so dramatic wouldn’t I?
Once you open your mouth, there’s no going back. I remember telling my husband I wasn’t ready to leave a few years ago. Saying the words brought the situation from my thoughts into the world. It became a ‘real’ problem. One which had to be dealt with.
So we’ve had these conversations over time. Just between us. I’ve let a select few people know we’re in trouble. I still cry when I talk about it or write a blog entry. I’ve never opened up about our marriage to anyone before this year. It’s been our sanctuary, albeit empty and lonesome lately, but ours.
I so don’t want this to be real. This wasn’t supposed to happen to us. Not us. We were forever, dammit.
Last week it came to the point where it was time to tell the kids. They aren’t kids anymore. Young adults. I straightened my shoulders. I wouldn’t go into detail. I wouldn’t bash their dad. Just the facts. “We’re not doing well. We’re going to counseling. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
I choked on the words both times. Who ever dreams of having to say such things? Not me.
Divorce and separation are common any more. There is no stigma; unless it’s you.
It’s weird, but I’m not angry. It doesn’t feel as if we’ve failed. There is just this flow of emotion which seems to have no end. I’m profoundly sad. Desperate in moments and then in a heap of tears again.
Having never been here before, I’m left to assume this is a normal part of separation. Perhaps the divorce before the divorce. There is no name for it, yet, and it hurts like hell.
See, I’m strong, independent, completely (or so I’d like to think) self-sufficient. Those things are in me, somewhere. Right now? I’m a shell walking through everyday wondering when the pain will stop. Will I ever be okay again?
How do I live without him? I’ve never had to face adult life without him. I miss my friend so much. Too hell with the marriage. I want my friend. But you aren’t suppose to know that.
Had I kept my mouth shut, this would all be happening anyway. And my chest would hurt, every time we acted as if.
We’re so beyond acting as if, I can’t do it anymore. So I said it out loud. So far it sucks. My cheeks are getting pruney. Do you know how unattractive pruney cheeks are?