Since dropping the bomb, my husband has been trying to finagle a promise not to leave out of me. Really? Em, let me think. No. I’m still here and willing to go to counseling. That’s as good as it gets.
Our kids and grandchildren came to our house yesterday. While it was good to have them all together, I was physically ill by the time they left. The effort of presenting a brave face, even for them, was too much. I’ve been acting as if for so long doing so moving forward simply isn’t an option.
We were supposed to go to our daughter’s house this morning. I sent my husband and son without me. I won’t be going to my brother-in-law’s tomorrow either. I don’t have the energy or the wear-with-all to watch my husband pretend everything’s fine when nothing could be farther from the truth.
Now, after years of me nagging, he wants to be the man he should have been all along. Desperate promises and a long string of empty apologies have flowed. I’m not interested in words. Show me. What have I been doing, thinking, to let it get this far?
He tells me there’s more I don’t know. Effin’ wonderful. More? More what? More excuses? I’m sorry, there is nothing to excuse what’s been going on. Nothing. My understanding is well beyond it’s intended capacity. I don’t want anymore ‘reasons’ for being treated the way I have.
Here’s the deal– I can’t, nor do I have any interest in, competing with twenty something fake-n-bake images. I’m a middle-aged woman, who has given birth to two children. Without extensive plastic surgery, I will never look like them. At this age I have things to offer so much deeper than looks, it shouldn’t matter. His outward appearance means very little to me, beyond care for his health.
There is nothing so bad that it makes it okay to abandon, emotionally, physically and spiritually the person you promised to love, honor and cherish. Especially when that person has been loyal and diligent to a fault. Did he honestly think I’d carry on no matter what? Apparently so, cause he’s scrambling now.
He tells me that he depends upon me. He was also gracious enough to admit this morning that I had always been a good wife. Thank you for those stunning reports Captain Obvious. The one sided state of affairs comes into stark relief. I’ve been so stupid to believe if I did what I was supposed to he’d come around.
Out of one side of his mouth he says he knows how badly he’s treated me. The other side continues to tell me that when the circumstances are revealed I’ll better understand. WTF? I don’t want to understand. How will understanding help me at all? There could be no revelation sufficient to justify where we stand.
These things should have been revealed and dealt with before now. Long before now. Another betrayal added on to the heap.
He said he was sure there were things I didn’t want him to know about me. Em, No. I harbor no secrets, I didn’t tell him about the bank account, and he knows about that now. Holding that secret did more damage to me, than to him. Secrets keep people sick, I see very little reason to hold secrets. I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for someone I’m not.
Yet, he tells me he knows me. He couldn’t possibly know anything about me and continue to operate the way he has. I’m sure he thinks he knows me. I don’t want to be the one to tell him he’s married to a stranger. A stranger, he only knows in theory. In practice? The next door neighbor [the drunken one] knows me better.
I sorted pictures for the kids today. We were happy once. At least I thought we were. Recent events make me question everything I thought I knew.