I was speaking with a dear friend this morning and she pointed out the reason I was having so much trouble recommitting is because my husband broke one of the deal breaker rules, I established a very long time ago.
1. Don’t hit me. It will be the last time you see me.
2. Don’t lie to me. Three strikes you’re out.
3. Don’t cheat on me. I don’t share.
He’s lied, at least three times over stupid things because he didn’t want to deal with me.
Unconventional as it was, he cheated. And that’s a rock I can’t make myself climb over.
My next day off is Tuesday. I’ve made arrangements to stay in a place close to work. It’s designed for long term stays for Executives, Doctors, Nurses, so on. No need for me to fumble around looking for or packing housewares, they’re there. All I need bring is me, my clothes, food, my precious pet, Maggie and my computer, can’t forget that.
My sternum feels cracked in half. And I’m crying again dammit.
I know this is what needs to happen, if there’s to be any sort of a change for us, me. I need to be somewhere to heal and take care of just me. I can’t do that here. So why does it hurt so fracking bad? How is it the right thing to do is rarely the easy thing?
Someone please take the axe out of my chest.