Way wrong move.
I was cold so I nestled into bed with my husband, who was taking a nap. Innocent enough right? How to explain?
Everything went smooth at first. The man is like his own heat source. I spooned up against his back. He started to cry. Damn. The worst part of that? I could barely muster empathy. I can’t fix this. His apologies lost weight a very long time ago. But I held him, cuz I know this is hard.
We settled into each other and my feet finally got warm. I should have left then. It’s been so long. One thing lead to another. Yeah.
I thought I was going to be sick when my brain engaged. It wasn’t anything the way it should have been. I had a sudden urge to bathe. It was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. It wasn’t him. My reaction was the problem. There was no lingering closeness. I didn’t want to snuggle up to him. I left with as much grace as I could muster and cried.
I cried because the magic wasn’t there. I cried because I couldn’t believe how stupid I was. I cried because I never imagined I would feel that way. I cried because I’ve led him on. I cried because I don’t want it to be like this.
I pulled myself together and we ate dinner. A dinner I could have enjoyed with anyone. This all feels so wrong.
We were best friends. It’s all so flat. We’re both trying and I hope the counselor has some ideas. This isn’t working.